Why do we seek that which rejects us, like the moth drawn into the deadly flame?
We feel the singe, even smell our own flesh burning, yet we reach towards that destructive fire.
Once burned, most of us will never touch that flame again. We've been melted beyond recognition, even to ourselves.
It is the yearning, the desire, the ache that splinters up the wrist bones into our jaws. It is the fact that we want that which distances itself from us.
I've experienced this more than once. When I was a little girl I sought the admiration and attention of my abuser. As I grew into my own skin, this behavior became a bit like a competition...
"Let me see if I can get THAT one to like me."
"I can change him."
It was as though I became the ALL-GREAT-AND-MIGHTY-POWERFUL Wizard of Oz.
And, in a sense, I did.
Like him, I am small, hidden behind a curtain of shame and doubt and pain and brokeness.
I am waiting for the call. You know the one--the place you set your phone--directly in front of you and pretend you are busy with the rest of your life all the while praying it will ring.
I have once again sought the Rejector and am now standing alone in a light drizzle so cold my toes curl into my shoes, cramping the arches of my feet.
I am learning to stay in this place, my teeth chattering as I seek the only one who has never rejected me--my G-d.
What would He say to me if I stopped and listened?
"Child of mine, you are leaping when you need to be still.
You are screaming when you need silence.
You are opening old wounds when you need to heal.
You are broken, but if you let go, I will cast you into a new design and you will heal whole.
I have provided for all your needs.
You need no other.
No one can do for you that which I can.
Trust in me for I am with you.
You are never alone.
Your heart has spoken to me and you have heard My answer to your question--if you were provided for, what would your life be like?
You would write.
You would paint walls.
You would create.
You would plant gardens.
You would embrace your children every waking moment.
You would not wait on another.
You would not wait for a phone call when you indeed have a much greater call.
Listen to me, my child and you will hear your call.
Watch what brings back your breath.
See what brings about your light.
Embrace these things for they are my messengers to remind you that I am here.
There is a light for you to follow. Open your eyes, turn off the phone, take a deep breath.
Do not be molded by others' desires of you and for you. Keep your eyes on me.
Go inside for a time. Focus.
Do not be willing to become most anything to be unrejected.
Instead, be willing to become what I have in mind for you."
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Wow - thank you for sharing your heart Rebecca! Isn't it true that we seek approval, even to the point of being an "approval addict" and often we seek it from other broken people. The reality is, we're all broken and in need of a Savior. That's why I'm so thankful for the Lord Jesus. Without him, not only would I be lost, I would be in a constant state of pain from either abuse, insecurity or rejection that I've experienced as a child and adult.
ReplyDeleteIf we're human, have a beating heart and in any relationships at all, we will experience rejection, loss, grief, pain and deep heartache at the hands of other broken ones - some intentionally, while others are unintentional.
The approval, acceptance and love from the one who created us, is the only way to actually fill that void. No person, place, position or possessions can ever do what God alone can. I am so thankful for his amazing grace and unconditional love for each of us and that this void CAN be filled by HIM!
- Joan
Beautifully said, both by you and, of course, by G_d! The lesson is clear.
ReplyDeleteYou are perfect;created in the image of I AM!
...why do we always forget this?
You are the daughter of The King!
Why are we so easily taken in by the thief, and so wary of the possibility that we deserve the prince?
Gandhi said no one can hurt us without our permission.
Why do we give someone so unworthy so much power?
For me, it happens when I take my eyes off G_d and
focus on some "feeling" or temptation.
We just gotta keep striving for the Perfection within.
Love you & so grateful to call you friend!
Vic
Rebecca,
ReplyDeleteI am sure you believe what i believe and in this knowingness of how GOD speaks in his way to us when we are most ready to hear, it comes in loud and clear! I have to tell you, we have never met but I feel I have known you forever. Thank you for this entry today, for I am experiencing this same heartbreak and sabbataging my own inner power and strength. I cant even believe this synchronicity-Joyce Meyer covered similar topic that I listened to this morning! I think i will sign up for your Write 2Heal class today! Thank you so much for sharing- Judi K
Rejection, ah yes, I know it quite well, and have experienced it long before I knew the word or its meaning existed. Was it ever my choice? I think so, however as I got to know myself, I learned to embrace it and today I consider it a gift that through the years has been the catalyst that has given me endurance and personal strength.
ReplyDeleteI grew up not knowing where I belonged. Rejection dug its fangs into my being and caused me more pain than I cared to have.
As I experienced loneliness at a very young age, I pulled myself away from most social situations and spent my time alone with a book.
I thought I had learned to cope with all those feelings of not belonging here nor there.
But the biggest thrust of rejection came the day I was told by my husband that he no longer wanted to be married to me. I took it all personally, and I wanted to die, yes die.
Little did I know that the intensity of the pain I was feeling was a collection of all the past experiences of rejection I had had.
Miraculously, it was through the divorce I began to self examine, trying to find answers to my dilemma. But, it was difficult. I saw myself as a divorce woman, a tainted woman with failure after her name.
Today 35 years later, I look back at my life totally amazed at what I see. "The Ugly Duckling" story through the years has been a mirror to my life. Yes, I was that lonely ugly duckling with intense feelings of not belonging. But, I soon lerned that like the ugly duckling, I felt ugly, rejected and even abandoned, but only because I had not truly seen my very own reflection, that of a beautiful swan!
Today I feel grateful for all those rejections and abandonments experienced for they have given me some of my biggest gifts I hold close to my soul today.
I attribute my experiences of early aloneness and loneliness as a child to be the huge contributors to the woman I have become. Independent, creative and resourceful is how I define myself today. Yes, I still feel some rejections, but they no longer have the power over me as they once did.
I learned that I am a beautiful Swan that had been intentionally born into a family of ducks. But, my early years with these ducks were needed in order for my life to propel me to heights I never dreamed of climbing!
Today whenever darkness shows it face, I see the light, my light shine brighter and brighter continuously enriching my life as I continue to grow and celebrate the wonderful woman I am!
Rebecca,
ReplyDeleteRejection is a strange thing. I found that I carried patterns into my adult life that I swore I never would. But, as you begin to experience life on more levels you tend to try to build up more walls to proctect yourself and while that helps to keep other people out, it also helps to keep you inside this perfect little bubble. Unfortunately, it's not perfect and the very thing we try and run from, being hurt by rejection we end up bringing right close to where we live because we are so afraid. Rejection begets rejection because when that happens we don't know how to operate any other way. Not an excuse by any means but sometimes when we learn rejection we also continue to reject ourselves, we never learn to accept our faults, our strengths, our weaknesses or our vulnerability. Instead we strive to reach for some level of perfection that can never be attained and therefore we'll never be satisfied with "me".
You noted going back to what you had left or once again seeking the rejector...This spoke to my heart because a lot of times when we are rejected we then turn around and feel like we have to make this person respond to me. What could I do more to make them like me or whatever when in reality if they don't respond, no amount of trying to win their approval or their love will ever be enough. Once you have been found wanting in someone else's eyes and you become aware of it you will concentrate all of your effort into winning them over and it is a useless battle. Recognizing what that person's relationship is in my life is so important because then we allow them to be in our lives in whatever capacity God chooses, not what role we think they should fill.